Saturday, January 31, 2009

All week you have to drag me out of bed. Gary literally has to make coffee, prop me up with a pillow, and put the coffee in my hand (which I flavor with Rum Cream from Jamaica). Then I am off to the john and then to read for at least 30 minutes (I know this is TMI, but I’m getting to a point). Then shower, blow dry hair for 20 minutes (I have horse hair) and then take a swipe at applying make-up, find clothes that match, have Gary approve that outfit as I am horribly color blind and would walk out the door looking like a child of a golfer and circus clown if it wasn’t for him and CherĂ©. I make it to work by noon, if all goes well.

But on Saturday, glorious Saturday, I jump out of bed at the crack of dawn, thrown on sweats, put my hair in a ponytail and am out the door by 8:00 am. Why the change? Treasure. I am hunting for treasure. At Garage sales, Estate sales, rummage sales, crack head sales (that’s where the drug addict is selling all their furniture for drugs, you know these sales by the toothless deal makers, the bizarre pricing, like $15 for each item). I have been wildly successful in my treasure hunting and posses a house full of EXPENSIVE furniture that I paid literally nothing for. I have famous original works of art, hand constructed Persian rugs, Italian leather chairs and more. People walk into my house and think I am rich or the descended of an oil baron. I did not pay retail for anything in the house, except the framing of the artwork.

I outfitted every Child I raised or mentored or came over for dinner, house with every thing they needed. From TV to Couches to silverware, I get everything they need to be functioning adults. In fact, today, I got my son an Oak futon, with linen covered mattress, matching dresser, sheets, blanket, comforter, pillows, and towels for $20. Yeah- I’m that good.

The estate people know me by name, the thrift store people cringe when I walk in because they know I am going to haggle on price. The funniest part of this equation is I do all my hunting in my Jag. My biggest treasure. Husband found it and bought it for pennies. It was a 1996 that had been driven less than 40,000 miles, consistently garaged (and was even covered in the garage) and in the two years prior to me buying it had only been driven 100 miles. The previous owner had even taken it to the Jag dealer and had all the little stupid stuff fixed, spending thousands of dollars. It looks like I paid $75,000 for this car; I paid less for it then most people pay for two months car payments.

My friends are sure I was a pirate in a previous life. Give me a list and I can find anything. Two employees of mine one time gave me a list of needs as they had just got their first apartment together and had nothing. I ran around all Saturday and handed the list to people selling, telling them that I was buying it for two poooo’ people. At the end of the list, was “Toilet Paper,” yeah they were that poor. Four houses gave me big 24 packs of toilet paper.

I wish every day was Saturday or the garage sales went on past 3:00, but it is a short-lived hunt and I relish every minute of it. If I could only find a way to make a living at this, I’d be set.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Dinner and A Movie- without food and wine!

Having a bad detox day (and night) flu like symptoms have settled in my body and I feel like the turd garden we have in the back yard (my husband only picks up dog shit when he needs to feel centered and he has been very centered for at least 3 months). Everything aches, having a hard time breathing and I am HUNGRY for Hot, Real Food.

Plus tonight is the night that I do my “Dinner and A Movie” research. This consists of Going to a restaurant, eating, and then watching a movie (where I always sneak in a bottle of wine). What am I going to do with myself? I have a restaurant I have eaten at twice that I can review, but the substitute for wine in the movie? This problem kept me up late last night. I guess I’ll bring a Pom Tea.

I always see every movie that is up for an Academy Award, and the ones left for me to see are all very depressing, Nazi’s, death, murderesses, Indian Slums. I could face these movies with a nice Pinot Noir, but stone sober, dude I will be depressed for weeks. I take my Academy Awards seriously; I make it a whole day party. I watch every arrival, on at least three channels, dress up, make party favors, and cry thru the whole ceremony. I have been writing and practicing my own Academy Award speech for years. It is my meditation when I am lost, mad, sad, uninspired. If I am pissed at my husband, I leave him out. If a friend has done something nice for me, it is because of their help. The speech relaxes me, soothes me, and is my ultimate goal. I want to win for writing (Original Screenplay) and I am going to keep banging out screenplays until I do. I may be the oldest person to win, but so be it. Stone sober tonight, I watch other peoples depressing masterpieces.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Okay, I have a problem. This is a first for me. What the hell do you with left over wine? I have never had left over wine. Between my husband and I, we (mostly me) polish off a bottle every other day. Now I can have one glass per night. Totally sucks, but probably better for my waist line (and pocket book). Maybe we should have a Goodwill for wine. Somewhere to bring my unused wine to people who can appreciate it. Like clothes you outgrow.

Good fasting day, but it’s still early and I am watching Grey’s and Private Practice tonight. Hopefully no fast food corruption.

I have always been susceptible to advertising. I believed I would have more friends with Secret Deodorant, get kissed more with Crest Toothpaste and have more men love me with Breck Shampoo. I wanted to be an actress when I was young. Not in a TV Show or Movies, just in commercials. I think it is funny I spent half my working life in advertising. Maybe my new job will be the spokes model for Monster Energy Drinks. But I think they only hire soulless stick figures and even with the juicing, I got me some curves.

This is me at the Gates Of Graceland

Fasting is harder when you watch TV

Anyone who will tell you that fasting is easy is a BIG FAT LIAR. I did good yesterday, going to Farmer’s Market and getting lots of organic veggies and fruit to juice. I drank detox tea all day laced with pure Echinacea. And buckets of water. But by evening, I got hungry, very hungry, and ready to eat the couch hungry. Then I went into my room to distract myself with a new TV show that I am growing fond of, Lie To Me, staring Tim Roth (who is one of my favorite movie stars, if you haven’t seen Four Rooms, it is the best movie).
The show is about a company of consultants that by observing facial expressions can tell what people are feeling and when they are lying. The superior show was distracting me from the rumbling in my tummy until the first commercial break, when a Taco Bell commercial came on. Like an addict, I couldn’t think of any thing else, chicken taco’s filled my brain and beef nacho’s danced around my chair. I got up, wrote a menu on a sticky note, got a twenty from my purse, and instructed my husband to fly. He saw the look in my eye and knew better than to talk me out of it.

I inhaled the late-night food debauchery and was immediately full, yet nauseas. My whole day of juicing and being healthy, thrown out the window by my weak will. I’m so ashamed. And sick.

Today we try it again. Damn you Taco Bell and your fourth meal promises!!

I had coffee with the Pie Maker today and we discussed our business, lives and just how far we should get involved when a friend is in trouble, but not wanting help. It is a precarious line, that when crossed could end a friendship.

It’s like when you are in love with a total dick (which I was once) and everyone hated him. Even my sweet dog, would shit in his shoes. My sisters, friends, co-workers, everyone HATED this guy and knew he would be a disaster for me, but no one could talk me out of it. Years after he was banished from my life, I saw that my heart had to do what it wanted. I thought this guy was what I wanted, and no one was going to talk me out of it, not even my own common sense. Like I tell my kids, be careful for what you ask for, because you will always get what you really want and it might not be what is good for you.

I tend to want to fix every problem, for everyone. My weakness is knowing when to let people find their own ways, learn from their own mistakes, and stay the hell out of the problem. Ask my son, he flourished when I got out of his way and let him stumble on his own. Now he is a RFS. I’m digging that.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I'm out of sorts

I am out of sorts. Lost and confused. First, we are putting in new flooring and painting the walls of the house. So at this point, everything on the first level is in the garage and everything in the garage is in the driveway. My husband lives downstairs, it is his cave, his domain. I don’t go down there unless it is some kind of emergency. I pay the maid to clean it, I really just do not want to invade his space or even know what goes on down there.

The garage is his toy storage. He has (and I’m not exaggerating) 3 Yamaha Super jets (jet ski’s) 2 Yamaha Wave blasters, 1 Yamaha 250 dirt bike, 1 Suzuki Katana, 1 Kawasaki Jet Mate, all the tools, extra parts, accessories, garments that goes with each vehicle. (My son is currently storing his new Kawasaki Monster dirt bike and all the accouterments that go with it too). I have the washer and dryer.

While he decides between chocolate mouse or tan sunset for the color of his walls, we are sharing a bathroom. And a driveway. My house feels cluttered and unfinished. The only thing that is worse is when we have to do the next floor. That is when I am going on a two-week vacation and come back when it is done.

Second reason: My son moved back into town on Christmas day. He came back to town a changed man. He was always the Eeyor of the family, never happy with anything, he complained from my womb. Now he is a Ray of Fucking Sunshine (we’ve shortened it to RFS). He is happy, content, giggly, and jubilant. When you ask him how he is, “I’m GREAT! Things are perfect!" And he means it.

I love that he is happy, but it is disconcerting nonetheless. Why you ask? Because he changed the family dynamic. Our pat answers and well-laid opinions of him no longer fit. We must think and appreciate what he says before we knee jerk response and put him in the miserable box. Even his friends are not sure what to do with RFS.

As a mother, I am so happy for his happiness. He deserves it and has worked hard for it. He does need a full time job, so if anyone needs a RFS to work for them, I got your man.

He went with me to the store today to help find foods I can liquefy for my fast (non-chewing week) and he was so helpful, nice, funny, expectant of a great future. I lost my keys. I never do that. I dropped them in the parking lot. He found them, I couldn’t.

Families are a strange and wondrous thing, but something is always ebbing and flowing in them, so I learn to treat them as the waves. Always there, but always changing.

Sleeping Beauty

I am sleeping like a fairy tale princess these days. I go to bed early and still sleep in until almost 10:00 AM. My doctor says it is part of my healing process. On one hand I love all the time dreaming and laying between my big feather comforters, on the other, I feel like I am missing half the day. The best part about it is my husband gets up when regular humans do and leaves me love notes for when I wake up. I live for the sticky-notes of affection. I got them all saved and someday will make a collage of them to frame and hang to remind myself not to kill him during December.

I’m loving writing this blog and exploring the “blog sphere” I found a lady who is writing for her Siberian Huskie, which just cracks me up. But Dakota and me (a weird coincidence because our Malamute was named Dakota) have a lot in common. We both like Jimmy Buffett and howling. My current dog learned to howl from the Northern breeds (we had two Siberians and a Malamute) and now howls at fire engines and when my daughter comes over and yells “Mom”! It makes my ears hurt too, so I howl along with him.

I went to farmers Market this morning and juiced fresh beets, kale, New Zealand spinach, apples, tangerines and two garlic cloves. WOOO- the garlic is strong. But Dr. says I have a better chance of getting off the Benadryl and getting my real face back (my current one is ultra puffy) if I fast and juice. Fasting means no food. That’s gotta be a joke. How can I survive without eating? I’m a mammal, one who is fond of chewing. So they are taking away my wine, my food and leaving me with green juice that tastes like grass no matter what I add to it. I should be good and bitchy by this weekend. Poor husband.

Funny quote for the day:
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I am Allergic to WINE!! We are going to need a second opinion!!

What a suckie day. Shaky and weird from Benadryl, lips on fire and only olive oil will cool them down which may taste fine drizzled on lettuce, but not so much on your lips every 5-minutes. I been swallowing whole garlic gloves all day to purge this (which means I am unkissable for about a week). No one to talk to but the dog and even he is ignoring me.

Plus I can’t eat anything!! And this is the last week of Restaurant Month which is a county wide promotion where all the high end restaurants do a prix-fix menu for only $30. I usually eat out every night to get as many reviews as I can (I try to eat at each restaurant 3 times before I review it) and it can get EXPENSIVE, but during January I get the same quality at a fixed price! WHOOO!!. But no, my body had to rebel, stupid uncooperative shit.

I going to will this illness away, I swear I am. Doctor thinks it is sulfites. Do you know where sulfites are found……IN WINE!!! I am a certified wino. I spend more money on wine than I do my clothes and car. This just won’t do. Gary is afraid of what I will be like off the wine—it will be like releasing a tiger. Oh Well, at least Nip Tuck is on tonight. The most twisted, bizarre show out there, I love it! But I love it with wine, I wonder if anything is going to be the same without wine. Maybe I am really a Lesbian or a cook!

Just heard Trader Joe’s has sulfite free wine, jumping in the car to buy a case right now!

This is the Coolest thing I have ever done!

A few years ago I conned my way into a dolphin training program in Hawaii. I spent 5 days learning to train them and spending time with them. It was the best thing I had ever done. They made me start by learning their training techniques. They put me in a room with a dollhouse and a mouse. I had to train the mouse using a clicker (also called a bridge) to open doors, unroll carpet, and go get a flag. With their techniques and a little cheese, I mastered Stuart in 2 hours. Next, they gave me a dog from the pound. I had to train him to sit, stay, down, roll over, and jump thru a hoop. I had the clicker and some kibble, but I also had to learn to be the most exciting thing in the room for the dog to pay attention to me. Not a problem, I jumped, squealed and cajoled the little mutt.

After that, I was deemed ready for the dolphins. I got a fanny pack and filled it with squid and fish heads. I worked first with two young dolphins, getting them to come when called, jump, do tricks. I was then graduated to the big male. His name was Ono and he was a 12-year-old 1500-pound sweetie. With him, I had to do husbandry. I had to brush his teeth (very sharp), take blow whole samples, check his flippers, and his general health. I got to hold on to his fin and he towed me around the pool. Then he swam up, opened the zipper on my fanny pack, and ate all my fish.

When dolphins are happy, there belly’s turn pink. They are also the only other animals who have sex for pleasure besides us. Ono liked me lots. I spent hours with him and at night, I would come out on the balcony that was above the dolphin pond and he knew my call. It was clearly a life-changing event. These creatures are magical. It took me months to explain it.

I came home and used the training techniques on my dogs, (previously thought to be untrainable Siberian Huskies, kids- ditto) and husband. Now I see the wild dolphins when I walked the beach in the morning and long to stroke their belly’s or hold on to a fin and sail away.

Watch this video, it is amazing.
Dolphin Stampede

Grenada Library

The next time you see a library sale, or text books at garage sales, pick them up and bring them to my store. I send them about once a month. The Librarian, Lillian Sylvester, sent me picture of my books on the shelves, very rewarding!!

St. Georges Harbor, Grenada

This is my favorite harbor in the world. This is the place I go to in my dreams. I want to build a house here. I have the weather programed on my iphone. its always 82 degrees. We have been there three times. The first time Gary jumped off a waterfall and broke his back. He is still a legend on the island. the people are so kind, happy and warm.

About three years ago a hurricane blew 98% of the structures down. They have rebuilt the island (China came in and built the hospitals, cricket stadium and transportation, all for free, who do think side the Caribbean is going to take if they ever have to choose between us and China).

The library lost all its books, the roof flew off and they all flew away. so I send books to them monthly. We have an intricate way of getting them down there, since mailing is impossible and expensive. I send the books to Florida where a bunch of Sail Boat people (Boaters for Books) take them in there hulls when they sail to Grenada. There is a lot of hopscotching and poaching of the books, as the other islands, lost their books too and the are Librarians opportunistic. They need school books (imagine these poor teachers teaching without books!). How-to manuals, hardback novels (no racy stuff as they are quite prudish). Mostly they need children's books, with black children and believe me these are hard to find. We sent a huge box of National Geographic and the teachers used them for lessons for a whole year.

Food Allergies

This Picture was taking on our last Princess Cruise. I made Gary take pictures every night until we got one where I wasn't squinting or looked stupid. This was taken after a day of Rum tasting. We were loopy and in love with Grenada and its Rum.

Okay this just pisses me off. In the last 3 months I have developed a food allergy. First I thought I had over done the juicing. We go to farmer's market 2-3 times a week, buy green leafy stuff and pulverise it in our Jack La Lane Juice (Yes, he is still alive and lives by us in Morro Bay). So every morning I made a mixture of spinach, kale, Swiss chard, pear or apple, carrot and then a Myers lemon or tangerine. I felt great the first week, then it gave me horrible heartburn, then it made me nauseous. Dr. said it was a weird reaction to such good food and to follow up each glass with a protein. So I would poach an egg with coconut oil and eat it up. It worked for about 3 weeks, then I started getting a "Kool-aid" smile around my mouth. It was hideous. So I stopped juicing figuring I had over done it on the citrus.

Then one night I ate sushi (which I do at least once a week) and the next morning, "Kool-aid" smile--again. I threatened to commit suicide if I was allergic to sushi. So I laid off raw fish for three weeks and got the "Kool-aid" smile again, after a regular mea of pasta and chickenl!!!

But each time it gets worse, my eyes puff up, I can't breath, my pulse quickens. Just what the hell is going on!!!

So last night we went to my favorite restaurant, The Cass House in Cayucos. The chef there is a genius! I have never had food this good, interesting, subtle and perfect. (and that saying a lot from someone who has been a food critic to 4 years.) I start with Naan Bread, hummus, tahini and Gary has a garden salad. He used small rice cakes for croutons and put vanilla in the vinaigrette, amazing!
Second course was raw oysters, with a pomegranate/ponzo sauce. Wow! Then we had calamari, lightly seared with a piccatta sauce. That's when my pulse started racing and my "Kool-aid" smile reared its ugly head through my make-up. I popped a benedryl and finished the meal with risotto cake with 4 different kinds of mushrooms, Gary had a seafood bouillabaisse with clam, mussels, lobster knuckle and local caught sea bass.

I know everything in this meal is on the "allergic" list, but WTF!

So today I am pouring over my bible "The Prescription for Nutritional Healing" book, it says avoid everything. "Kool-aid" smile is pissed- I can't be a food critic and be allergic to food!!!! Can't Can't Can't Can't!!!!!!!
Shit, but the food was amazing at the Cass House and if you live on the Central Coast, The Cass House is the BEST food anywhere!!! You've got to try it.

So I am loading up today on garlic, Allegra, Acidophilus, fish oil, Emergency, B complex, and raw adrenal to help me through this nightmare. I'm Going to spend all day working on my website and finding my new carrer. Ohh website is, but it is still under construction.

Monday, January 26, 2009

A Woman Lost and Found

This is my dog Tripper, running in the ocean at Avila Beach

My friend Lauren started a blog Jan 1, 2009 and I have been riveted and reading it every day. She is on a journey of cleansing and losing weight. I too am on a journey, finding for the first time in my life, I can do anything I want. My kids are raised, my husbands business is successful and his employees well trained, I also have a business that is run by my daughter, so I have rendered myself obsolete.

I trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up and I find myself with opportunities, time and even a little (stress little) money put aside. I have always been one of huge "idea" people with little time and no money. Now I spend my days making lists, reading the Daily OM and trying to see what my path should be. My lists include:

  1. My Skills

  2. My Dreams

  3. Choices I made

  4. My Perfect future

  5. What I want my day to be like

  6. My health

  7. How do I fit in fun and Love

I also made a list from every journal I have ever owned of all my New Years Resolutions, business ideas and dreams. I see no clear path. I am calling in the troops (otherwise known as brave girlfriends who are also entrepreneurs) to show them my data and see if they see a clear path.

Writing is my passion. I have written and sold screenplays, just finished my first book and I am a writer for the local paper doing Dinner and a Movie columns each week( basically I get paid to date my husband and write about it). I have a ton of writing ideas that I want to finish, but the solitary life of a writer is not good for me. I need social interaction or I get a bit crazy.

My sister (age 32) died of Breast cancer 3 years ago, so that knocked the wind out of my life for longer than I care to admit. But I have replaced crazy family with good friends, and find myself in a great place.

Other than being menopausal, (having to changes my sheets everyday as they are soaked in sweat and cuddling with my husband is a distant memory) coming off a year where I got pneumonia, shingles (5 times) and my husband suffers a nervous breakdown every December, my life is perfect. I live at the beach and my kids are all on their own.

I am going to virtually vent everyday and see where it leads me.