Monday, April 27, 2009

Twitter ADD

I find myself ADD- writing- impaired. I have embraced Facebook, Twitter, and the blogging to the point where all my free time and creative, witty comments are reduced to 140 characters or less. I like the challenge and find myself honing smart ass comments and sharing private intimate moments that I wouldn't have dreamed of before Twitter.

It is like an addiction. I want to shock, entertain and make the world see me. Kind of like cocaine was in the 80's. With the powerful powder I was convinced I was the smartest, funniest person in the world and everyone wanted to know how I felt about everything. Those not on coke, found me drool and narcissistic. They were right. I am drool and narcissistic. Show me an author who isn't. Without our delusions of grandeur we would never tap out our tomes. We would work for someone else and talk about how we always wanted to tell stories.

So all this ADD checking threads on my IPhone while trying to shock and impress is making me neglect my writing and yet at the same time making me more succinct. What a concept, a succinct narcissist with no personal boundaries. I might just make it as an author. Thanks Twitter for bringing out the real Teri without sending her to jail or the hospital. To hell with the circus, I'm running away to join the world.

Follow me at twitter at teribayus.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Battling The Bank, the joy of a small business!

I own a small business. Translated,that means it makes no money. It is a Mail and Parcel store, so everything I sell, you can get somewhere else cheaper. We keep the doors open by offering Extremely Good Customer Service.

We have resolved ourselves to the fact the business exists only for:
1. To keep me entertained with the Pismo Beach native happenings.
2. Keep my children employed.
3. To house my husbands business, keeping his office expenses down.
4. The doggie treats and toy box for kids (every child gets a toy and every dog a treat). I get a chance to oodle them both.

There is no profit, nor has there been since I bought it in 2000. But I enjoy it and as long as it doesn't cost me money, we will keep it.

Sometimes the frustration factor of dealing with the business outweighs the small benefits.

Like when my employees all called in "stoned" for 4/20 (a national stoner holiday) so I was forced to deal with cranky non-stoned people all day.
UPS claims drive me nearly insane. Some guy brings in a box full of liquor (that he packed with one hand towel) insures it for $300. The UPS man juggled it and dropped it all the way to Arizona and when the potent liquid came oozing out, threw the whole thing away. It is illegal to ship alcohol. Now this man wants his $300 insurance. I try calmly to explain that he could have a SWAT visit from the ATF if he persists, but he doesn't care, he wants his money.

I had a man sue me once for $40.00 (the filing costs him $30.00) because I was mean to him. I hauled my ass to court with 200 pages of facts, only to have the judge rule in his favor, because he didn't feel businesses like mine should exist. What??

Now I am in a heated battle with the bank. They are idiots, Worldwide idiots who bought the small local bank that is next door to me. Same employees, who I call my friends, but with new BIG bank rules. They changed the rules and do not show you what is posting (being taken from the account)until midnight. But you only have to 7:00 pm to deposit money. In a normal world I would know what is presenting, but I don't live in a normal world and have 8 different shipping companies dipping into my account daily.

I thought I had put in place overdraft protection, but they are not honoring it. Bottom line, they have over $300 of my hard earned money in Overdraft charges. So I called the man I was told was the only one who could erase these ridiculous fees. Mid conversation, I realized that I had just told on my friends next door to their boss. I tried to back peddle and tell him I only called to have the charges reversed. He wanted a full report on his employees.
I cried and begged him not to call and "discuss me" with my friends (who are powerless and trying like crazy to help). I hate snitches now I was one.

Today is not a good day to own a small business. I am going to start selling liquor to elementary schools.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Random Act of Kindness

The weather is here and I wish I was beautiful. It is 85 degrees with no wind and I should feel joyous. I live in paradise. Last night we watched the most amazing sunset over the ocean after a spectacular Italian meal.
I am feeling blue nonetheless.
Maybe it is the miserable, sexually confused woman who keeps dragging us into court on worthless and pathetic charges.
Maybe it is the fact that the bank just raised our mortgage, with no more explanation besides they can?
Maybe its because I have to take my son to court AGAIN today.
Maybe its because my husband is SUPER grumpy with his gimpiness and quite ready to be riding in the ocean and not hobbling.

But I am picking up my chin, and going to go out there with a positive attitude. I am going to practice One Random Act of Kindness to someone who doesn't expect it. I'm going to hug the mailman or feed the meter for someone or buy groceries for a starving family. Not sure what yet, I'm going let the moment take me and surprise all.

You should do the same: One Random Act of Kindness and report back here. I dare you.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Empty Nest Joy

WARNING!!!!******ADULT CONTENT**************

My husband and I had a grown-up weekend that involved nudity and getting to know each other in the most intimate of ways. We are empty nesters now and this is what we dreamed of for 25 years. We locked the dog outside, turned up the radio, and brought out pleasure enhancement accruements. I like this new period in our life, it is like we are dating, yet know each other very well. We also can use things to enhance our pleasure that are not prohibited but not a good idea to have when you have minors in the house. A mothers biggest fear is to hear “What is the big pink thing under your bed?”

When the kids were younger, a long Disney movie meant some snuggle time, that was usually interrupted by an errant child looking for a spoon. When we locked the door, we told them we were reading. Then my daughter told her teacher that she didn't get her homework done, because her parents were "reading in their room" all weekend. It inspired us to tell her we were making love. She would never share that with the teacher. Instead she said her homework wasn’t done because her parents were too playful and loud when naked.

When my son jumped off the couch and broke his arm, I had double trouble, because I had just decided to tie up my husband using new knots and old scarves. I had to get the kitchen scissors out so we could go to the hospital.

One time the kids weren’t home and we tried making it on the hammock. It was attached under the eves of the house. While we frolicked and giggled, the swing gave way and we fell to the hard concrete. The eves came crashing after us, crushing and breaking two of my fingers. As I bled enroute to the hospital, I begged him to come up with a better story than the truth.

We had to sneak to have sex all over the place and their wasn’t a safe phone booth or closet in our hometown. We even made love in a public swimming pool (do not tell me about the germs involved, I was horny). My husband practices spontaneous chivalry, which meant if we were consummating our relationship outside, I was the one with pine needles in my back or sand in places I couldn’t reach.

Now we are older, our bodies have grown, but our passion has not faltered. We have time to enjoy each other and experiment. Well, I like too…… husband is not fond of buzzing, pinching, or whirling things. As the dog howled at the back door, the neighbors turned up their stereos and we had a loud and libelous weekend! Empty Nest is better than it sounds.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Acholi Beads

The cool thing about living in a beach town is the people who are attracted to the sea. Millionaires, free spirited abode challenged peeps, artistic hopefuls, surfers and beach bums all grace this hamlet by the sea and we all get along. One particular couple I adored from the first visit was Jessica and Clayton Connolly. They moved to Shell Beach and didn't know anyone, so they put together a dog show called "Best in Shell". The concept was to bring your mutt and his unique genius and win a prize. Beach running pooches all came to show off. They met new people and started their tribe.

Then they started a business (or started working with a family member, I'm not clear of the particulars) called Acholi Beads. They distributed beads necklaces, bracelets and earrings all made with paper by the Acholi Tribe in Uganda. Last year they poured over $50,000 into the Acholi tribe, a feat that would have taken the tribe working in the rock corry 25 years to match.

Acholi Beads is a company I do business with, we do their boxing and shipping to their distributors. I give them the boxes for free and my cost on the shipping. I will do anything to help this great cause. The jewelry is beautiful and helps so many people that we would be unable to reach out to otherwise. It is a global wish come true and I am proud to be associated with the company and the Connolly's. They put the cool in cool.

Here is a video showing the company and its purpose. Website is

Acholi Beads Glimpse: Stepping Stones from James Pearson on Vimeo.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Estate Sale Heaven!

Estate sale Heaven today- a Lady who died at 98 and had a serious shopping problem and no husband -left us 6 rooms of clothes, shoes, purses and girly goodies for me to paw thru (there was even a fine selection of vibrators). She shopped mainly at Nordstrom's. I filled my trunk with clothes, shoes and purses and plan to go back tomorrow. This was a woman possessed with fashion. Each outfit was labeled when she wore it, what shoes and jewelry went with it and where she bought it. Impressive organization. Mostly it was all new with the tags. Gorgeous beaded dresses, female tuxes, Jimmy Choo matching purses and shoes, wigs, jewelry, furs and it all was tasteful and beautiful. The clothes spanned the years and her sizes, going from petite to 18 wide, as a woman's body is ot to do.

In the garage she had 12 tables of vintage Christmas items, and over 100 Santa dolls. One room had 300 dolls. Chrystal wear, 4 full sets of dishes and 6 tables of silver serving items. My favorite items was a sign that read "Don't let life get you down, that is what men are for."

This was a woman who lived life on her own terms without the guide or nuisance of a husband. I dig that about her. Some people were appalled by the gluttony of her shopping. I was impressed. How many of us fall into the false hope that a man will complete us? When really all they are good for is taking out the trash?

Most bad things that happened to me were because of men. By that I mean, my obsession with men- made bad events emerge. A designer suit from Nordstroms wouldn't ever hurt me, leave me or steal my heart. She died with more money than she could spend and now a charity is taking the proceeds from the estate sale and the house. I see a full life -lived well. Thanks Silvia for the Treasures.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

What to do with Junk Mail and Annoyance

I took the What kind of Wine are you? On FaceBook quiz and the result is Puligny Montrachet
stating: “You are the ultimate, sophisticated wine lover. You enjoy the elegance of what wine delivers and will pay money for the beautiful notes of a special glass of wine. Wine to you is an experience and not one to be taken lightly.”

How is this possible to sum up my wine personality in six questions? Why do they do this? Is it the ultimate marketing investigation? They have hundreds of quizzes and ask you to group your favorite movies, songs, TV shows, dogs, etc. I can't believe I fell for this insipid time waster.
These lists are then sold so we can be spam, junked mailed and faxed to death. Creative and vindictive girl that I am, I found a solution to these pesky paper problems.

Everyone knows about the famous Burning Man event. People go to the desert and experience elevated art, liberated love, and freedom. My friends that have gone worship it. They are sisters of Perpetual Self-Indulgence. My best friend has a business catering to the costumes and the accruements needed to survive in the painted-desert for 10 days it’s called Prism Magic. She sells petty coats, tie-die, costumes, solar ovens, survival kits, and an array of Modern Hippie Clothing. I will go to Burning Man someday, but husband hates crowds. I fear naked people.

Meanwhile we have a smaller version with a specific purpose we do in our Dunes every year. We call it Burning Mail. It amazes me how much printed material we have.
We make a huge pile of junk mail that we have all collected during the year (last years was over 20 feet tall and 6 feet wide) and we burn it. We drink wine, dance around the flames and watch two for one offers burn, burn, burn. We Run from the burning ash and go home after 11:00 with our hair smelling of campfire.

It feels good, even vindictive to the companies who consistently fill our mailboxes with junk we will never read or use. Now if we could just come up with the same cathartic answer to email spam. I would love to see “Want to show her your man stick, click her for Viagra” …….burn, burn, burn.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

A couple of weeks away from the Blog give you deep thoughts

Now that is has been two weeks since I gave myself permission to sit down and blog, because I had to finish my “serious” writing. My brain feels rusted. It doesn’t help that I am NEVER alone. From the 6 AM contractors banging in my kitchen, to the gimpy-sprained ankles husband, to the retail hostage that must stand up in the middle of a brilliant tome to sell a stamp to an asshole that wants to know why its .42 cents, I am surrounded day and night. I am having a hard time with complete sentences. So I am going to impart little pieces of unfinished wisdom's that I’ve been jotting down.

Dog's will always love you more than any human, enjoy and appreciate that.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, the second, buy our children.
The third by the neighbors barking chi-wawa

I base my fashion choices of what doesn’t itch or bind.

Having children is like have a bowling alley installed in your brain.

I’ve never been drunk, but often over served.

If you look good and dress well you don’t need a purpose in life

Two best sellers at the book store: Cookbooks and diet books. Cookbooks tell you how to prepare and the diet books tell you how to not eat any of it.

A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a whore who looks at her watch.

50-year-old men should not jump 20-foot dirt ramps on a motorcycle. If they do, they should not be surprised that they need to be carried up the stairs for three weeks.

People who hire their daughters boyfriend to paint the house should not be flabbergasted when she breaks his heart, the painting declines.

Dogs who eat painters putty have problems shitting for weeks.

Wine and Xanax is a good mix for stressed out natives as long as they have a ride.

I love people who are 100 percent authentic, even if that means they are assholes.